A visual novel where… no, not like that.
…
1️⃣ Chapter One: Gonzo and the Narrator
[Narrator]
You’re staring at the screen, where a forest path is drawn. Text appears over the image, the narrator reads it aloud. You, the hero, have been assigned a crucial mission — reach the cabin in the clearing, where a princess is locked away. You must kill her. Let’s go.
[Gonzo]
Hold on, this isn’t how I usually write my reviews — what the hell is this?
[Narrator]
Stop fooling around. You know better than anyone: you can twist this story however you like. Well... almost. You can even argue with me — the developers coded that option too.
[Gonzo]
Piss off, I’m taking my publication back.
[Narrator]
The screen fades to black. Text appears: "You collapse to the ground and die." The End.
1️⃣ Chapter One: the Narrator and Gonzo
[Narrator]
You’re staring at the screen, where a forest path is drawn. The narrator reminds you: you need to kill the princess. Let’s go.
[Gonzo]
Um. I remember you “killing” me before, and here we are again. Is this some kind of brilliant game design, or just pompous, pretentious bullshit?
[Narrator]
How rude. Your tone is irrelevant. What matters is your mission: the game’s creator made it clear — you MUST kill the princess, or the world will end!
[Gonzo]
Uh-huh. And what if I pretend to follow your orders but go my own way? Or just free the princess?
[Narrator]
I strongly advise against it. Besides, we may end up right back here, having this conversation again! Wouldn’t it be simpler to kill the princess, save the world, and stop arguing?
[Gonzo]
walks off in a random direction
swears, gets lost in the woods
still somehow ends up at the clearing in front of the cabin
[Narrator]
Looks like you have no choice but to enter the house and do what must be done.
[Gonzo]
Fuck it. Fine. I’ll go in and kill the princess. Happy?
[Narrator]
Gonzo enters and sees the princess sitting in front of a giant monitor, the game engine app is opened. She’s working on a game called Slay the Princess. Somewhere nearby, David Lynch’s mocking laughter echoes, and Gonzo’s eye begins to twitch.
[Gonzo]
No, no no no. Not what I signed up for. Both of you can fuck off!
grabs a chair, smashes it over the princess’s head, jumps out the window, and falls for an absurdly long time
[Narrator]
The screen fades to black. Text appears: "You crash to the ground, but the world is saved." The End.
2️⃣ Chapter Two: Catgirl
[Narrator]
You’re staring at the screen. The narrator reminds you: you need to kill the princess. Let’s go.
[Gonzo]
grumbles
silently walks down the path
reaches the house
enters
[Narrator]
The house smells of damp. The drawing emphasizes its miserable state: warped floorboards, rough sketchy walls, a cloudy mirror in the corner.
On the floor sits an anthropomorphic catgirl in a dress, drinking vodka and chasing it with ice cream. The cat lifts her bloodshot eyes to Gonzo, focuses, then drops her glass — and like a released spring…
3️⃣ Chapter Three: The Return of Gonzo
Alright, enough playing around. I managed to kick the narrator out of my own damn review and take back control. Honestly, I felt just as bewildered during the first 20 minutes of the game as you probably feel reading this. But as the Groundhog Day loop kept spinning, the game’s branching paths revealed themselves, and the multiverse of Princesses grew more and more bizarre.
Eventually, the main conflict and final goal became clear (or did they..?), but at some point… I realized I was being slow-cooked. I simply got exhausted waiting for any meaningful progress in the overarching story.
Despite the very talented writing — like Terry Pratchett on psychedelics — it eventually started circling itself and wore me down.
I reached the end, lifted my finger from the mouse, and closed the book on this tale. I’ll remember it fondly, but I doubt I’ll ever return.