Rockstar just won’t quit milking their 2013 cash cow. This time, they’ve slapped on some upgraded graphics across all platforms. Naturally, a buddy of mine suggested we hop in and “test the visuals” in online mode.

The moment I launched the game, I realized the last time I touched GTA Online was back in 2020. Played it once. Didn’t have much fun (though props to my co-op partner who put real effort into digging up custom maps), and the whole thing left me with one solid impression: a bizarre, steaming pile of crap.

Fast forward to now—nothing’s changed. Still the same weird-ass crap. Just even messier. Enhanced, if you will.

In five years, they still haven’t figured out basic UX. It’s just as confusing as ever—how the hell do you start a game? How do you invite a friend to your party? Where’s the logic in any of this? And the controls... Jesus. Felt less like I was booting up one of the highest-grossing games of all time and more like some janky $2 early-access indie about a depressed courier simulator.

Oh, and I’d forgotten—GTA 5 makes you mash a button just to run. Like your character’s not a person, but a fucking water pump. I’ve never seen anything so stupid in other games.

That said, the upgraded graphics do look slick, I’ll give ‘em that. And we managed to squeeze a few solid laughs out of it. Had some fun here and there. But will I be going back anytime soon? Yeah, no. See you in never.